#5. Guys with Top Knots. Unless you are a sumo wrestler, or an actual bad-ass like MMA fighter Connor McGregor, you should not wear a top knot. You look ridiculous. You are sporting the modern day mullet. And before you go on about Eugene Porter (The Walking Dead), remember this, Eugene is almost always next. While he has indeed somehow managed to survive this long, you have to know the minute public opinion changes, he will be Zombie-meat. So, if you wear a top knot, you will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse. (And you're a douche bag. See note #1 above)
#4. People who say “guns don't kill people, people kill people”. If you've been spouting this archaic, juvenile, justification for decades, you're a goner. You think only “people kill people”... and because zombies aren't people, you won't recognize the threat. Likewise, if you think only mentally unstable people with guns kill people, you're extra dead. Because in the Zombie Apocalypse, all your perfectly sane brother and sister NRA members will be out for themselves, AND they're armed. They're taking you out first. Pretty much, none of you will survive the Zombie Apocalypse, cause chances are you'll take each other out on the first day.
#3. Sovereign Citizens and Cop Blockers. These two are grouped together because inevitably these assholes film themselves getting arrested for truly stupid reasons, shouting “I do not comply! I do not comply!” As if those 4 words are somehow mystical and supersede all letter of law. But, it's not “because” they are Sovereign Citizens and Cop Blockers per se that get them on this list, as if when the shit hits the fan the cops won't have anything to do with them in spite of their pleas for help, it's because they post these videos on-line and don't have the sense god gave to a turnip to recognize just how truly moronic they appear to the rest of the world. So, because they are morons, the will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse.
#2. Islamophobe-ophobes. Quite literally, these are people who are afraid of people who are afraid of Islam. Islamophobe-ophobes deny all negative possibility of Islam in spite of all the horrible shit going on in places like Saudi Arabia where women are beheaded on the street for audibly farting. No, they defer back to the fact the West started/propagated/funded/trained, etc etc ad nauseam all this and accuse Islamophobes of being racist, when in fact, they're just being afraid, and arguably, with good reason. They welcome all into their countries, cities, communities, and homes, in spite of it all. Islamophobe-ophobes, will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse. Because to deny a Zombie access to your community, would be racist, right?
#1. You. Yes, you. Reading this right now. Are you taking your time, or are you rushing through to the end while concurrently composing a scathing email calling me all sorts of names for my horribly “male” attitude, or hate-speak towards Muslims? Maybe you're one of those Top knot douche bags, or you were once harshly spoken to by a police man and your circumstances were special and I know nothing about you and I belong to the wrong political party and God is on your side, and blah blah blah. If you don't like the list I have compiled, and you think me only a complete asshole for doing so, you most certainly will NOT survive the Zombie apocalypse. Why? Because this is a satirical article about the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE you overly sensitive entitled fucktard.
Enjoy the apocalypse. There will be only one.