PEEVED... at all sorts of things.
by Bruce Blain
Join Bruce Blain, known to fans as The Homeless Guy in the Rampage series, as well as various roles across film and television such as Leprechaun Origins and Supernatural (TV), as he shares with you his views on things that piss him off, in the intriguing & insightful column, PEEVED... by all sorts of things: an Uwe Boll: RAW exclusive.
"NOT ALL _______ ARE BAD!”
I've been hearing a variation of this a lot lately. Not all Muslims are bad. Not all cops are bad. Pretty much; not all 'insert group generalization here' are bad. And I hear it, or read it, every day now. But what does it mean? What purpose does it serve? And, more importantly, what is the point is being made?
Because when someone comes right out and says something like “No Muslims should be allowed into the country”, it's pretty damn clear what they're really telling you – they think that avoiding any and all contact with Muslims will somehow keep them safe from the terrible terrorists. That by banning all Muslims and saying, "to hell with common decency," we will somehow be 'saved'. How fucked up is that? There are 1.6 billion Muslims on the planet, if they are ALL worthy of being banned, that would mean that every last one of them, man, woman, and child, could potentially sneak into your room at late at night and slit your throat. Right? So, do you really think that banning them from ONE particular country is really going to keep you safe? Sorry Trump, if there are 1.6 Billion terrorists out there, you're probably the first on their list. And when they come for you, even a half dozen body guards won't keep you safe. “But if we ban them, they won't be able to get into the country.” Trump would likely reply. Oh really? Tell that to the 11 million illegal aliens that you claim to want deported. They're not supposed to be here either, are they?
So, what happens when dumb-dumbs like Trump talk in sweeping generalizations about banning all Muslims? Someone speaks out and says “Not all Muslims are bad”. And I get it. People don't want to be accused of being racially or culturally intolerant. They want to appear better than, more sophisticated or open-minded; on the side of what is good and what is right. But how does this very politically correct attitude about Islam really further the discussion? Does taking the position that not all Muslims are bad really solve the problem with Islamic Terrorism? Nope. What it attempts to do, is separate the “bad ones” from the “good ones”, which is all well and fine when you're sorting apples, but not so effective when sorting flesh-and-blood people belonging to the same ideology. By the very definition, people belonging to the same ideology are supposed to think alike, act alike. So it's really not a very effective tactic, especially when you're seeking a way to motivate the bad apples away from continuing their unjust and horrible practices. Taking in 600,000 refugees doesn't solve this problem either. Sure, it makes you look good in front of your peers. It might even solve your shrinking population problem. But the ideology is still there.
Think of it this way: Terrorists blow something up. Non-Muslims and some Muslims (not the ones blowing shit up) say “not all Muslims are bad”. Everybody goes, “um, okay”, and then the terrorists blow something else up...and again, everyone blames the bad apples. Does this cycle sound familiar? Does any one single person who is capable of reading this ever remember a time in our history when “terrorists” haven't blown something up in the name of Islam in spite of the fact that “not all Muslims are bad”?
Oddly enough, you're not wrong when you say "not all Muslims are bad." But someone has to be accountable, right? Pointing out who isn't accountable, leaves no-one accountable. Someone needs to be accountable for the betterment of the majority of people – Muslim and non-Muslim alike. I mean, seriously, how much more of this shit can we take?
We are so afraid of offending others ideologies, of political incorrectness, that no one, not even the 'good apples' dare point a finger where it really NEEDS to be pointed. We blame the economy, the United States' foreign policies, Western interference in the Middle East – all good things to point a finger at – but still, even after decades of this continuing debate, nothing actually gets done. Terrorists carry on, still blowing shit up in the name of Islam, and more and more people want to paint all Muslims with same brush for the actions of a few bad apples. Well here's a tip: if you don't want to be painted, or paint, with the same brush, get a new brush. (think about that, it's really quite clever.)
Muslims need to truly redefine what “in the name of Islam” really means. The 'religion of peace' needs to live up to its namesake, and by that I mean “peace for all” not just “peace once the world converts to Islam.” We, non-Muslims need to embrace our fellow human beings and show them we can indeed live together and still have different ideologies. But we should also be capable of reserving a certain amount of expectation for quiet enjoyment – you know - just like you do when you sign your rental lease agreement. You don't have to be an expert on the Qur'an to talk about the shit you don't like in Islam. And you shouldn't have to be called racist because you speak your thoughts, thinking terrorism is bad. We all need to get off our collective high horses and actually start working towards a unified solution. Our politicians won't do it. Our Corporate Overlords certainly won't do it – they depend on this continued conflict to maintain their own various agendas. The terrorists themselves sure as hell won't do it – that would just be silly. So in the end we should hold Muslims accountable, but do it like you would for your alcoholic uncle who just needs to be shown there's a different way. There are millions of Muslims that interpret their religion in a violent and hateful way. We are left with two choices: piss them off and create even more terrorists, or encourage the rest of the Muslim populace to live in peace. If we do that, hopefully the existing terrorists will slowly start disappear. You know, because they'll all eventually blow themselves up.
“will you survive the zombie apocalypse?”
If one is to believe Hollywood, the Zombie Apocalypse must surely be only a matter of time. The Walking Dead, Fear The Walking Dead (which I was in ever so briefly), iZombie, Z-Nation, and an exhaustively long list of movie titles, have presented countless scenarios of the living dead, coming back to life, chewing on brains, and wreaking all kinds of havoc. So the question is not “if?” but “when?” And more importantly, will you survive? Some will, most won't. Because, logically, for it to be considered an “apocalypse”, “most” will have to die. (Otherwise, it's not an apocalypse, is it?) If you would like to better your chances of survival, there are steps you can take; 1. Don't be douche bag. 2. If you don't know who the douche bag in your group is, and there is always one, then you are probably the douche bag – change your ways! And 3. Drink plenty of fluids. I don't know why I say that, I only know that's what doctors always tell you to do, so it has to count for something.
Unfortunately, if you are one of the following, there really is no hope for you. You are Zombie-meat. You will be the first to go, the guy caught on the wrong side of a closing door, the one left behind as a distraction, the one people say to the rest of the group “he didn't make it” - even though you know damn well he's still out there. So, without further adieu, here is my list of the top 5 people who will NOT survive the Zombie Apocalypse.
#5. Guys with Top Knots. Unless you are a sumo wrestler, or an actual bad-ass like MMA fighter Connor McGregor, you should not wear a top knot. You look ridiculous. You are sporting the modern day mullet. And before you go on about Eugene Porter (The Walking Dead), remember this, Eugene is almost always next. While he has indeed somehow managed to survive this long, you have to know the minute public opinion changes, he will be Zombie-meat. So, if you wear a top knot, you will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse. (And you're a douche bag. See note #1 above)
#4. People who say “guns don't kill people, people kill people”. If you've been spouting this archaic, juvenile, justification for decades, you're a goner. You think only “people kill people”... and because zombies aren't people, you won't recognize the threat. Likewise, if you think only mentally unstable people with guns kill people, you're extra dead. Because in the Zombie Apocalypse, all your perfectly sane brother and sister NRA members will be out for themselves, AND they're armed. They're taking you out first. Pretty much, none of you will survive the Zombie Apocalypse, cause chances are you'll take each other out on the first day.
#3. Sovereign Citizens and Cop Blockers. These two are grouped together because inevitably these assholes film themselves getting arrested for truly stupid reasons, shouting “I do not comply! I do not comply!” As if those 4 words are somehow mystical and supersede all letter of law. But, it's not “because” they are Sovereign Citizens and Cop Blockers per se that get them on this list, as if when the shit hits the fan the cops won't have anything to do with them in spite of their pleas for help, it's because they post these videos on-line and don't have the sense god gave to a turnip to recognize just how truly moronic they appear to the rest of the world. So, because they are morons, the will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse.
#2. Islamophobe-ophobes. Quite literally, these are people who are afraid of people who are afraid of Islam. Islamophobe-ophobes deny all negative possibility of Islam in spite of all the horrible shit going on in places like Saudi Arabia where women are beheaded on the street for audibly farting. No, they defer back to the fact the West started/propagated/funded/trained, etc etc ad nauseam all this and accuse Islamophobes of being racist, when in fact, they're just being afraid, and arguably, with good reason. They welcome all into their countries, cities, communities, and homes, in spite of it all. Islamophobe-ophobes, will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse. Because to deny a Zombie access to your community, would be racist, right?
#1. You. Yes, you. Reading this right now. Are you taking your time, or are you rushing through to the end while concurrently composing a scathing email calling me all sorts of names for my horribly “male” attitude, or hate-speak towards Muslims? Maybe you're one of those Top knot douche bags, or you were once harshly spoken to by a police man and your circumstances were special and I know nothing about you and I belong to the wrong political party and God is on your side, and blah blah blah. If you don't like the list I have compiled, and you think me only a complete asshole for doing so, you most certainly will NOT survive the Zombie apocalypse. Why? Because this is a satirical article about the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE you overly sensitive entitled fucktard.
Enjoy the apocalypse. There will be only one.
“Careful what you wish for.”
“Careful what you wish for.” My mom used to say that. Another classic was “It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!” I could go on and on, quoting these pearls of wisdom “til the cows come home”, but I fear the average reader would lose interest very quickly. Why? Well, aside from the fact that the modern attention span has been reduced to about 140 characters, what these things mean to me, likely mean something very different today – or at least they should.
When I was a kid, in the 70's and 80's, “careful what you wish for” was reserved as response to such things as “I hate you, I wish you were dead” or “I wish I was never born”. You know, stupid shit like that. Occasionally, it had a slightly more profound application, like; “I wish we could all just get along” which is all fine and dandy until your neighbor buys one of them yappy little dogs that barks day and night every time the wind blows and all you want to do is kick in his fucking door and stick a shot gun in Fido's mouth. But that was then, this is now: PETA would not be impressed.
“It's all fun and games til someone loses an eye” never really made that much sense to me. I mean, yeah sure, we played with sticks, threw shit at each other (like snowballs with little rocks in 'em), but nobody ever lost an eye – that is, of course, until I saw “Christmas Story (1983)” and someone DID lose an eye.
My point is, these sayings have little meaning today. “Careful what you wish for?” Pffft. Kids today are encouraged to believe that if they “wish” hard enough for something, it will magically happen. Everyone gets a participation medal, everyone gets a lead role in the school play, and God forbid they keep score in a soccer game. I suspect Hell would freeze over if anyone heard me say “careful what you wish for” today...how dare I squash your little child's dreams, eh?! As for losing an eye as a result of fun and games? How passe. Kids playing unattended, untethered to Mommy, running free is definitely a thing of the past and grounds for Social Services to step in.
So what now? Life without consequence, without limitation, without learning from experience, without being required to express yourself in more than 140 characters has bread an entire generation of knee-jerk reacting, I am always right, assholes. Never giving an inch or bothering to check facts or considering compromise. But what if we updated those old sayings? Made them real, pertinent, infused with real live consequence. I bet the world would be a better place if Moms starting saying, “careful what you tweet for” or even better “it's all fun and games till someone figures out where you live”. What if, the next time someone wrote “guns don't kill people, people kill people” a real live person might actually show up at your door and slap you in face for being an asshole?
These days, any asshole with access to the internet, thinks they're a fucking expert on everything. They can't string together more than 140 characters even remotely resembling a logical thought, but they wake up everyday, turn on their WiFi, and let have it. All in pursuit of that elusive “like” or “re-tweet” in some pathetic need to feel “better than” - like crabs in a bucket. Keyboard revolutionaries. Clamoring for their 15 seconds of fame. “Careful what you wish for, someone may actually ask you to back up your bullshit and write a 623 word article” ...and then what are you gonna do?